Compatibility In A Relationship

By Brigitte Meier
Harsh words, hurting comments, tears and flying household
objects - for sure, no one ever wanted that to be the everyday
routine when deciding to live together with the beloved person.
Yet, why is this such a common picture, portrayed even in many
Hollywood dramas?
Two people meet, they fall in love - that happens, in a
multitude of different ways, thousands of times all over the
world. Then, if they're lucky and everything goes well, they
decide that since they love each other so much, they want to
stay together and share a home.
Now, for married as well as unmarried couples, they have to
adjust to a new situation: Every-day-life decisions depend on
two people's opinions, preferences and wishes instead of one
before.
In single life, one's the only instance of decision on what
party to go to, when to clean the place, what to wear, what to
eat and where to go on holiday. For a divorced person,
especially with children, a lot of responsibilities are added. A
single parent has to be mother, father and breadwinner, has to
take care of education, the children's need for love and all
other problems occurring. These responsibilities, if mastered,
as well as the comparably easy life of a single person, bring a
lot of independence.
And this independence, being an advantage in the situations
described above, can turn into a problem when it comes to living
together. Suddenly, decisions need to be agreed upon by both
parties, and compromises have to be made. Especially in the
first time of living together, those incompatibilities can lead
to the actions described above.
In the adjustment period, both need to be aware of those
possible dangers and respect each other's difficulties in
getting along with the new situation. Otherwise, the feeling of
love and closeness that originated the wish to live together is
bit by bit replaced with a feeling of rejection.
The natural reaction on being criticized, misunderstood or in
any other way "attacked" is to defend oneself. If you're used to
make decisions alone, without considering another, maybe
diverging opinion, you might feel attacked when your partner
doesn't share your line of thoughts or wishes. The worst, but
unfortunately most common, because instinctively made, reaction
is to "fight back".
For example: You want to go to a party. Your partner wants to
go out for dinner. So your initial feeling is being "attacked":
Why does your partner reject your proposal, what's wrong with
it? So the instinctive reaction, from a feeling of frustration
and defiance, is to "fight back": A sharp remark, pointed at the
partner's proposal and aimed to hurt, seems to be the
appropriate reply.
Even if no further fight is following that situation, the
feeling remains and the bond between you is weakened. Now, no
one would break up because of such a little fight. But it's
damaging the bond between you, even just a little bit. And maybe
in some years, when responsibilities like an own house and
children tie you together, you'll find that the constant damage
of these little incompatibilities have left you wondering what
made you being together in the first place.
The hideous about this process is that it works so slowly.
Human beings have an astonishing ability to get used to
situations and, no matter how bad things might actually be,
accept them sooner or later as normal. So out of pure habit, we
tolerate the incompatibilities we have to build a wall between
us instead of stopping, sitting down and sorting things out.
When some years of low-level fighting (not bad enough to make
you break up, but bad enough to slowly poison your relationship)
have passed, it's nearly impossible to fix the damage done and
to erase the barriers that have hardened over the time.
In order to avoid a situation where the only alternatives are
professional advice or divorce, some guidelines can help keeping
things from going that far to the bad side.
Control yourself. By observing your reactions and the resulting
tension between you and your partner, you'll be able to easily
isolate the kind of feeling that makes you react sharp and
hurting. So once you know where your weakness lies, keep
yourself from reacting immediately upon those triggers. Think
twice, and consider if your ego (nothing else you're pleasing
with a sharp reply) is worth hurting your beloved one. In most
situations, a second of silence is enough to make you regret the
answer you would have given. Don't get it wrong, it doesn't mean
you always have to step back. There are situations when a
confrontation is necessary - you just have to learn how to
distinguish them.
Reflect on your words. Imagine the same situation, just with
exchanged roles. Of course, you have to be so fair to admit if
you would be hurt in your partner's place. Now that you imagined
the impact your reaction would have on yourself, think twice
again if it's worth it.
Stay cool. The worst things are said and done in anger. If you
focus on what you want to achieve, there is mostly a better way
than a violent verbal or even physical reaction. Or do you
really think that your partner would give in to you shouting,
and even be happy with that?
Be ready to share responsibility. Especially for single
parents, it's difficult to get used to trusting someone else
again. But without trust, your relationship won't last.
Be realistic. When you move together with another person, that
means that your way of life will radically change. Your
independence will be replaced by interdependence: You'll be less on
your own, but mostly with our partner. You'll spend less time
with our friends and more time together. In result, you'll have
to compromise on what you're going to do with your time - the
more your interests diverge, the tougher it'll be to find
acceptable compromises.
Consider this carefully, and if you think that you're not ready
for it, tell your partner - before it's too late.
About the Author: Brigitte Meier is an occasional author for
http://www.e-nterests.com. Find some useful beauty & fashion
articles http://www.e-nterests.com/beautyhtml/beauty.php here
too.
Source: http://www.isnare.com
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